Honestly, Openly Me

(originally posted on my Tumblr @ itsmetonyamarie) JUST A FOOL I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him - desperately, passionately, hopelessly, I wanted to feel him deep within. I wanted him to ache for my touch, the way I ached for his. I made my longing known - well known... He had to know...that it was him who was immortalized within my words He knew I wanted him and he lied right to my face, when he said he didn't think about me or want me in any way, Just to turn around and tell me there's more he'd like to say with that lustful look in his eyes that made me feel this way He's a liar So why did I want him so damn much? He might have thought he was doing the right thing, when he drove away Doing me a favor, doing the right thing for himself, so careful not to leave a trail but he knew the desire he'd stirred up inside of me was tearing me apart He still drove away with a smile and a tiny piece of my heart Why did I want him? Why do I thi

I can't sleep I can't eat I can't think straight I can't even write anymore and he's all I write about. This obsession, this pining away has to stop It's not right It's not healthy I feel crazy. I know I'm not crazy. Yet I hear something     he doesn't hear and I see something     he doesn't see.... us together. Happy. He's happy. Just not with me. Tonya Marie Follow me on Instagram @tonya_thrifts

None of this has anything to do with love. Not totally. I write about sex and love and every other feeling that comes to me. Desire mostly. Desire is deeper than lust. Lust is a basic carnal urges that can be satiated, once you've gotten your fill of something or someone. Desire is to long for someone or something so deeply, to want, to need every part of them and it can never be satiated. You long for it always, their body, their heart, their soul. The feeling doesn't end with orgasm. That is what I write about. I write about it all but desire is my feeling right now. I write about love too because I long for that feeling again. I honestly don't know if I've ever been truly in love before. I thought I was once, but it was over very quickly. I am a very romantic brained woman and I believe in soul mates and "meant to be," happily ever after. A soul mate or someone who could never be replaced. Someone I could never fall out of love with. Someone who wouldn&

His love borders on obsession it's a thin line easy to cross He hurt me so bad in the beginning now he's too hard for me to trust I wish I could love him like I want to the way I think of loving He's the one I agreed my life to but sometimes I think we're done Yet I don't want to lose him because then what would I do what if there's nothing else for me that possibility is true I'll spend the rest of my life alone I'll be lonely forever never finding my heart a home I don't know how much time he has left his cancer could still come back I want to give him all that I can He deserves to be happy and relaxed I know all that he wants, I am there's no denying that I've always been so devoted to whomever my partner may be loyal to a fault but that was before he hurt me so terribly Now I don't know what I'm doing some days I don't know who I am I know a part of me still loves him so I've got to do all that

I'll put my words away for you so you won't be afraid You must think I'm crazy obsessed but you're not alone...even I wonder some days I don't know what I would do though if I couldn't express myself this way my words are the only thing that keep me from bleeding from cutting myself open, gutting myself, dissolving into nothing blackness surrounding me, like it did years before I put my heart out there, trying to fix it, clean it & make it pure again but I know it's too much to understand I must be so arrogant to think that I'm even writing to anybody that my words mean anything that they might touch you, even scare you I know that's lame I'm writing to a ghost, a face that haunts me night and day I'm possessed by crippling desire that just won't go away If my words only had more power and didn't taste so damn sour They'd make you burn for me like fire I wish I knew what to do because I'd do anything f

I just want to love you, in a way I've always wanted to love. Unconditionally, with every part of me. I need to feel secure. I want to feel things I've never felt before. I want to inhale you like a drug and feel your warmth spread over me, getting high on your love. I'll touch every inch of you, body, mind and soul. Nothing is off limits; there's no place we can't go. I'll run my hands down your body as I listen to your soul. Your breathing tells me where to go to make you lose control. I just want to love you like I've never loved before. Give me all your love return and I'll never need anything more. Tonya Marie Follow me on Instagram @tonya_thrifts

Come to me in pure, ravenous passion Take me in your arms, hold me close Press your desire against me Let me feel you - touch you Touch me Pour your pleasure all over me I want to see your need, feel your hunger Don't be too gentle and don't be quick Pull my hair as you kiss my neck put your hand on my throat and squeeze, but only a bit speak sweetly, dirty whisper my name don't just penetrate my body,  penetrate my heart, my soul, my brain make me feel like I'm the only one even if I'm not take me to the edge of ecstasy find that perfect spot let's ride that wave together until more is all we'll want. Follow me on Instagram

I'm falling in love with somebody else. I'm listening to my body, I'm taking care of myself. I'm giving myself what I need. I'm loving myself wholly, honestly and passionately - yes, passionately. I'm giving myself everything I would give someone else - a child, a friend, a lover. I've never really felt this way before; I never thought I could, or would but I wish I had it learned sooner. I wish I had looked at myself the way I wanted someone else to look at me. I wish I had taken care of myself the way I've taken care of everyone I love most. I wish I had been a priority. Now I am. Now I'm my number one priority. I have to be in order to be my best for everyone else. As crazy or selfish as it may sound, I'm falling in love with myself.

Every time you smile at me, that moment doesn't last long enough. I had never noticed you much before, but now that I have, I want more. I want your smile, I want your touch. I want your hands all over my body. I want to feel you deep inside of me, breathing heavily. Where did this feeling come from? I try to fight it but it only gets stronger My desire has been awakened from its long slumber, with just a smile and now it won't rest until it's satisfied. But it can never be satisfied. I want you so desperately but I can't have you. You aren't mine. You belong to somebody else. Why do I always want what I can't have? This is becoming a common theme. But I don't care. You smile at me and say my name like you mean it, like you can taste it and I wonder what my name would sound like coming from your mouth during long, exhausting moments of passion. What would my name sound like as I'm touching you, kissing you, sucking you... What does

He did absolutely nothing yet left me broken just the same I was caught in his web of "You're hot, I want you" smiles and kind hello's unaware that I was just number twelve thousand In his manipulative game. His greeting makes you feel special, it's a feeling I hadn't had in so long I would have done anything he wanted no matter how wrong. "I can't be this easy," I repeat to myself but I was that easy because I was so desperate for something else. Maybe he could have been anyone, maybe it was just him I don't know but I really hope I don't fall for basic flirty shit like that ever again. "I'm better than this," another line I repeat I'll never forgive myself & that's the shit I must eat. Karma's a bitch, I know for certain that's true And now I must pay For foolishly falling for you

I get turned off very easily I don't like childish games Little immature things people do to get your attention but then take it back a while later I don't like compulsive flirts, I like to feel special And I don't like hot and cold behavior - it turns me hot and cold I like realness, no matter what the situation or outcome Be real, be honest, be transparent and be open but also kind I'm an open book, if you ask the right questions if you show genuine interest and aren't being fake So I enjoy people who are very open and open minded as well, it makes it easier for me to be I don't like games or secrecy or having to wonder about everything I don't play games... unless I'm being played with, then I will play that game right back until I decide you aren't even worth another fucking second and cut you off I like people are secure and respectful People who listen to me - what my mouth is saying and what my body is saying People who show m

I never knew I could fall so fast and hard for someone I don't know. I don't even know how it happened. Or why. I wasn't looking for you. I didn't want you. I was indifferent. Then one day I noticed you noticing me and something about the way you looked at me felt different from every time before. I thought I was reading too much into it, but I couldn't get your face, and that look, out of my head. Suddenly, you were in my dreams and in my fantasies. At the most inappropriate moments, you invaded my mind. You seemed happy to see me and it was so strange because you never were before. And that was fine. I didn't think about you. But now, my God, I really don't want to think about you anymore. It's too hard. It's changed. You're hot and cold. Now that I've noticed you back, it's awkward. You seem turned off. And I'm such and idiot because I don't do this. I don't fall for someone that quickly just because of a