Day 1 of Denial: Spiritual Journey

 So, I was just thinking about something. You know how there's this strange phenomenon where a woman wants to be pregnant so badly and believes so much that she is or will be, she starts experiencing physical signs and symptoms of being pregnant, though there is no baby? Do you think that works for spiritual awakenings & this so-called Twin Flame, soul connection, whatever the fuck you want to refer to it? So you start experiencing all these emotional and physical symptoms that can only be explained by being a Divine experience?

I've had my doubts since day 1. I have believed myself to be on a Spiritual journey since I was like 5, though I never called it that, of course. I had no clue what it was I was feeling. I just knew Jesus & Angels were with me & I was trying to be "good." That worked out pretty well for a while, but into my teens & then especially after a certain relationship was basically liquid shit, burning up and deteriorating my mental state, I really began this struggle. I always felt like something was calling me and pulling me in a certain direction but I'm pretty hard headed sometimes and I fought it, but that only led to more heartache.

So one day, unexpectedly, I was basically hit with this lightening bolt of I don't know what the fuck, and now here I am, 2 years later, no better for it. Sometimes I see growth and progress within myself but it gets too damn hard, so I decide I don't want this. I can't. I'm not the one. Find someone else. 

I will feel pretty content in my denial for a few days or even weeks, and then all the feelings, emotions and sprititual sickness hits again and something inside of me whispers "nice try, bitch." Then around I go again. I am often hit with a lightening bolt of energy that you can't really understand unless you feel it yourself, but it just courses through my body for days, sometimes a week - like a reminder that this is real - and once I accept it, it fades away. And then I slowly slip back into doubt and denial. I used to get that energy sensation pretty regularly and I associated it with the moons energy, and I do believe I feel the moon's energy, I'm connected there, I'm ruled by it, but I now believe firmly, there's more to it than the moon because lately it is happening between significant moon phases. Sure, it could be other astrological events, but it's just a feeling, a knowing within me that I am becoming more and more aware of. It is happening less frequently but more strongly when it does. Sometimes it's a pull, a drive to do certain thing that I refuse to do anymore. I used to let it pull me to a certain place but I refuse to go there now. Instead, I unleash a portion of my emotions on Instagram, for my followers. Exactly where a persons weird emotions belong, amiright?

Sometimes I feel like I never learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn. I understand on some level what I'm supposed to do, but I have to feel something very strongly in order to do something. If I could maintain that feeling, - a feeling I can only describe as that "bliss" weird spititual "guru's" always talk about - then I would probably get somewhere. I can only think of one thing that might bring me a permanent sense of bliss. But I know that isn't reality. And it's just not possible for a human to feel that way always. Is it? Or is it just me? I'm always searching for a feeling. A high. But even a drug addict knows that feeling isn't permanent and they are always chasing their first high. It's gone so quickly. But you just can't stop, no matter how much it's hurting you or those around you.

I know I have implied this is a Twin Flame journey, but I honestly haven't actually labeled it that. I enjoy watching the videos and the readings but I take everything with a grain of salt. I've yet to see any proof or accuracy, other than readings that are about me and only me. I have no clue what is going on in other people's lives and I really wish I could go back to just being private. This journey has certainly caused me to start being more out there in some regards so people think they know me (they don't, I hate to break it, but few people understand anything about me). 

I believe I'm on a spiritual journey that was triggered by a certain passing moment that I had with someone, a moment I remember with complete clarity and I can't remember shit on a good day. A moment with someone who maybe didn't have the same exact experience. Though I remember everything and I didn't get to this state on my own, I don't care what is said now. I'm not this person, at all. I get bored and move on to something else so fast, I've never been held in place by a moment but I put everything together to create a story of why this happened. Is it that thing that I won't label? He would definitely you now that I'm fucking insane, delusional, off the deep end...whatever. I have to accept it if that's how he honestly feels. I haven't once forced myself in any way on him and hopefully he doesn't feel like I have. If my writing about an anonomous person bothers him or whoever, they don't have to read it, as I always say. This is about me right now and despite what my stalker has claimed, I have never named this person publicly in any way. I could name who I believe my fucking stalker is who became obsessed with me because of my feelings about this man, but I won't at this time. (Sorry for that rant). I'm not even going to get into the who did what shit, it doesn't matter. If he wants to maintain his version he's free to. Even if it's a lie. But I won't be called a liar to my own face or any other bullshit labels men give women when they feel backed into a corner. That has already happened and I don't fucking play that shit. I don't care what this is...or isn't. I'll fuck your world up if I have to.

I've said it before, it may have been the tirggering I needed to start focusing on myself and my journey and who my soul decided I was going to be and do whatever I agreed to do before incarnating here. I don't know if I believe in the whole Twin Flame thing, it's just a romantic idea and I'm a romantic at heart, who craves a deeper connection than I have ever experienced in my life. I just feel so strongly and I've felt this way my whole life, that I'm missing something or someone and there is a person out there who I am connected to on a level that can't really be explained, you feel it when they are near or you see them and you are just heartbroken constantly, a heart aching, when they aren't around or you can't find them. 

We want to label everything and that's what people do. Label feelings, connections, things that can't be explained, we want an explaination. Explain to me why I feel so crazy now. Explain to me why it hurts so fucking much when it shouldn't and I don't want this. I don't want this feeling. Even though I know it is exactly what I needed to shake up my life and realize how miserable I was and I wasn't going to do anything to change it until I was hit by that lightening bolt. I wish it had come from anywhere else. But I know the Universe had been showing me little pieces of this puzzle before, I just chose to ignore. I was blind. I was uncomfortable. I saw things that at the time I thought was really weird but now, it just fits with these new pieces I've been given. I'm still missing most of them though. Hopefully, I will be given the rest soon because the confusion I feel inside is really getting fucking annoying, which is why I try to put a halt to this. But I'm not getting any younger and either I learn in this lifetime or I'll have to learn the same lessons I'm avoiding in another.

So, I don't think God, The Universe, Goddess, The Angels, Jesus or any other ascended master will really allow me to live quietly in denial, because I've tried it repeatedly and it just comes back hitting me harder than before. The signs and symptoms, sure they can be explained away by someone who believes in logic over feelings and I am capable of the same logic, but I was born to be ruled by my feelings. There is a reason for that. I was born to have all these feelings but no really direction or method of using those feelings to my benefit. I can start a million projects and not finsih one. My birthchart is possibly one of the saddest, most pathetic charts I can imagine. I was born on a new moon, sun and moon in cancer. Ouch. So much potential, so much to give, and offer, so much passion and so many ideas but seriously lacking the means, motivation, drive and support to really accomplish or finish anything. That is probably where my perfect match is supposed to come in and hopefully we can balance each other out. He can light a fire under my ass and then I will be unstoppable. At least, that's how I imagine it. 

So much for day 1 of denial. I've already talked myself out of not believing. Maybe tomorrow. I'm sure there are a lot more thoughts I wanted to add to this story but I think it's long enough. 

I apologize for any typo's or misspellings, I got bored about half way through of reading my own post. Probably not a good thing. Til next time!! :)

Follor me on Instagram if you thought this was weird @tonya_thrifts