No Matter What
I'm a bit dramatic. Irrational, unexplainable, never ending feelings can make a person seem that way. I actually understand everything I've been going through, spiritually, but I always question why. Espeically if I'm just going to stay stuck forever, not moving forward quickly enough. The intensity of my feelings change on the daily. I'm diving deep into them though. If I can't change it or explain it or truly express it in a physical way, I'll express it in a way that might seem over the top or off the deep end, but this is about me & my spiritual journey (I know I said I don't believe but God said "fuck you don't!" I'll explain later. Maybe.)
This is about my spiritual journey & my own development. If I'm doing it alone, I'm doing it alone. Most cowards always remain cowards. Maybe they eventually awaken. I don't know. I'm not forcing my will on anyone. I'm focused on me. I'm processing my journey through writing silly poetry, journaling & writing my book...if I ever have enough time to dive in.
I'm not angry & I don't hate anyone. Even clueless, threatened 3rd parties. They can't help trying to interfere with things they can't possibly understand. That's what they are here for. To cause problems and teach lessons, by no power of their own. It's fear that drives people but I'm not living there anymore. Darkness and fear and entities that use people to block other people's paths control other people and they are completely unaware. All the while, telling themselves I'm being used by the devil to test them and their relationship (presumably). But I know better than that.
In all honesty, I've briefly questioned if that is the case. Was I the test? But too many things have happened to me, for me and too many signs have unexpectedly been given to me or signs that I have asked for were given. I know what I know. I feel what I feel and my feelings are rarely wrong. I'm learning to trust that more. The feelings, emotional and physical - physical sensations that I never experienced before this particular awakening, tell a story all their own. A whole new world has been awakened within me and I understand things from a much broader perspective.
I hope certain people will awaken to this journey and realize that I am not their enemy. I would never hurt them. I would never hurt him, no matter how many times I have said I hate him. I just can't FEEL it like I've wanted to. To hate would be too easy. Nothing about this journey is easy. I would never want to see him hurt. I'm not that person. I wish he knew that. He can hate me & think the worst or nothing at all. It doesn't change anything. It just forces me to go deeper within myself and this journey and really grow and work on my own issues. That's the whole purpose of this anyway.
I can't explain everything and I wish I didn't have to be so vague. Maybe I'll just write a book about everything I've been going through for 2-3 years. I'll write under a different name or something. Maybe that will really help me to process everything that has happened and everything that hasn't happened.
Maybe I'll meet someone some day and realize THIS is what it was all for. This is the one I was waiting for. This is who I was hoping someone else was. Or I'll just go deeper into knowing that this is what it is. I'm open to anything. I just want Truth, Wisdom, Knowledge and to trust my inner knowing and judgement more and let go of my past and not allow people to define me by that. I don't look good on paper. But I am good. It'll take someone with any real awareness to look past my appearance and my past. I was tempted to make a self depricating joke about the two but I'll refrain because most people won't get it anyway.
I'm going to keep writing - being judged by 3rd parties and all - and I'm going to do everthing as I always do:
With An Open Heart & An Open Mind.
Follow me on Instagram @tonya_thrifts
I love this blog. Glad that I subscripted. Got my first email notification so I don't miss a beat. Just woke up from a nap, yes, a nap. Passed out after coming home from working a heavy double shift. I get lots of emails from scams and clients and it gets so overwhelming. But seeing something from you, made my day. It is just past 1am and my new day begins already. Answering emails and prepping for my next wave of clients. My day job starts in 5 hours and the cycle starts again. Why do I work hard? I have a friend where her cancer came back after a 10yr time of no problems. I took a leap of faith and I'm raising some money to send her way to help pay for her chemotherapy. Part of me wants to just wants to just take care of my own, but she can only make so much money by herself. I think it will all work out in the end. Am I maxed out with work, yes. I've finally found my limit on how much work I can do in a day. It feels good though, I've been given skills, and they are being used towards something greater than me and not wasted. It feels good. Will it shorten my life on earth and cause an early death? Absolutely, and I wouldn't change a thing. Tattooed a guy tonight, his mother's name on his neck. I always steer away from names, but I confirmed it was not a significant other's name. It was his mother Teresa. It's all he has left in his family. His brother took his own life 3 months ago. My Brother did the same in 2014, so we connected really well. Have him some life advice and called him My Brother as he left the studio. Anyways, what I really wanted to say... This blog, a breath of fresh air. People will misinterpret what you write, even on a daily, and you will even stir judgement towards you from it all. I see through to the core of you. You are not alone on your journey. A lot of feeling you share, I have the same vibe. It feels like a damn rollercoaster sometimes. The highs, the lows, but that's what makes us stronger. Sometimes it feels maddening and causes so much doubt in ourselves, but for good reason. PERSONAL GROWTH. Again, like a great smile, the teeth must cut through gums first, before the glory. Pain unexplainable first, then the storm passes, and we realize, we grew a bit from the turmoil. We have a moment of clear thinking. Looking forward to the next update email from you. Keep writing. Keep expressing. Keep growing. When you have the most feeling of doubt, sadness, or madness, this is the most that we need you, want you, to write about it. The rawness and honesty of your thoughts are the best. Crazy how we mentioned you and I being published. Seeing a lot of random advertisements on social media on how to do so. Google knows way too much. But that's a whole 'nother story in itself.ππππ
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the support and kind words. It's true, a lot of people don't understand what I say or write - part of that is my fault for my vagueness but part of it is some people don't WANT to understand. They would rather stand firm in their judgement and inability to understand or relate. That's fine. They can keep their misery to themselves, but they don't. That's why it feels like more people judge and misunderstand, because those people bark the loudest. So I always appreciate when you or anyone express positive thoughts. I hope to stir up feelings and trigger to a degree. If I wasn't doing that, I would be doing something wrong.
DeleteI think that is so amazing that you are helping out your friend. Cancer is the worst and people don't understand how that doesn't just destroy a body but it also destroys a mind and especially your finances. It just eats and destroys everthing in it's path. People also don't talk about how it can either make or break a relationship. If it wasn't on solid footing to begin with, it can burn everything up. It's unfortunate but it happens. It's hard on the person who has cancer, it's the worst. But nobody ever considers what it does to their partner or family. And they can't talk about their feelings without being judged and criticized and ripped to shreds because you are supposed to put all your feelings and needs aside and be the unmoving mountain and that just isn't reality. Especially if things were already falling apart before. Obviously a personal subject for me. I wish I had a good friend like you to help. But at the same time, I have a hard time accepting it because I feel I need to handle everything on my own. Internalizing everything. That's why I just write about it. And still get hate for having feelings. I won't stop though. I know what happens you never express yourself in any way and it isn't beneficial to anyone. Writing all the weird and sometimes inappropriate feelings I have is what keeps me somewhat sane and able to fulfill the majority of my duties at home. Everything falls on my shoulders.
You should start a blog and write, if you had the time. You obviously have a lot to say and I would definitely read it. Make sure you take care of yourself and get some rest. Sounds like you are really putting in the hours at work.
Thanks for the support and understanding. And especially, thanks for reading!! Means a lot. :)
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