My Spititual Awakening Apparently Wasn't What I Once Thought It Was, I'm Over It

First, please forgive any typo's or grammer issues, I'm not exactly known for my care in editing what I write. I write it and I share it and re-read it a day later and regret it. I'm at work on break, so you understand...

Okay, I was sort of working on a post detailing my so called spiritual awakening, which at one time, I was so sure was real. I say that, yet I was questioning and doubting every sign and sync and feeling the whole time. I told myself I'm crazy and imagining everything the whole. entire. time. Yet I still chose to try to have faith and believe in the things that are unseen, unknown and what I have now decided is unreal. 

It sucks when you want so much to believe in something, especially when it was so profound and life altering for me personally. What I went though has changed everything, in the most destructive way. I have come to the conclusion that if it were a true spiritual awakening, I would have surely come out of this pit of darkness by now. I believe that spiritual awakenings often trigger a dark night of the soul and you go through a period all you former beliefs being completely stripped away and you have to in a sense be reborn into these new beliefs. But it's been 2 years now. A little longer.And things are just not getting better and I am getting nowhere. 

Maybe my life is at a complete standstill because I refuse to step off the cliff and see where I fall because I'm afraid I won't even survive it. I have come to realize that, as strong a person as I believe myself to be, I'm still a fucking coward, living my life shrouded in fear and self doubt. I question every single decision I make and it makes it very difficult to make a really difficult decision. Such as going through with a divorce. I feel constant guidance and reminders that I need to move on or things will never change for me but I'm too afraid. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm too old to completely change my life now, right? I'm not getting any younger either and I have this constant back and forth. 

I also know that nothing will ever change for me as long as I am living in my current town, the town I was born and raised, the town that has rejected me long ago, the town I don't belong in but can't escape from. I can't go anywhere. I am tied here. Probably forever.

For years, I have repeated the mantra "what I want wants me" but that is the biggest lie I have told myself. It must have been the devil whispering in my ear and I wanted to believe in something so badly that I listened. I believed lies. It's all lies.

Unless I am given some miraculous sign that everything was in fact real, I'm done. I can't continue this way. I will always be a spiritual person because that's just who I am but I am not special. I was not called to be part of any great thing. I am just a person. I can't force things to happen, especially if they aren't meant to be. I have always been pretty good at predicting what is meant to be, even if it's something that won't last forever but I'm afraid I was completely wrong this time. I was in fact, off the deep end. And I will never forget or forgive myself for allowing myself to believe such bullshit. But that is what happens when your life is falling apart right in front of your eyes and you have to form some rational reason for it just to get through something you have no control over.

Now, I might wake up tomorrow and think every word I just wrote is complete bullshit and I was just having a pity party but like I said, until I see some evidence, I'm done living in this fantasy world. It isn't doing me any good. 

I will still try to find my path, I will still look for something to believe in, but now I'm making myself that path, that something to believe in. I'm putting myself on the pedistal I put someone or something else up on and I've just got to find a way to believe in myself again. Everyone makes mistakes but mine was a 2 year long mistake in my head. My thoughts have been one mistake after another. Granted, I was definitely fucked with and it really did fuck with my mind, despite how minor it may have appeared in the real world reality, to me, in my heartbroken and fucked up head, it was so much more. Logically, I knew better but my feelings usually win over logic. My feelings are usually right so I've been in constant conflict and inner turmoil because my feelings weren't adding up to the nothing I was seeing.

I'm going to try extra hard to not let my feelings rule me. I don't think that is even a possibility, knowing myself as I do, but I'm just going to do my best to block shit out. I've already been living the past few months in a fog, trying to block shit out. I'm just trying to get through whatever the hell is and hope that I learn something and it wasn't all for nothing. One thing I have learned for certain is trust no one. No one. Not even if I've known them for a long time and they seem nice, non-judgemental and kind. They probably aren't. I'm just seeing the parts of them that I want to see and those parts might not even really exist. I can see the good in a fucking seial killer, I'm not even kidding. That's how fucked up I am. There's supposed to be good in everyone, right? I always want to see the good and overlook the bad, until they hurt me, lie about me, lie to me, betray me, gossip about me, play with my feelings....you get it.

Well, that's it for this impulsive post that I might feel completely different about tomorrow or a week from now or a month from now. My feelings are constantly changing and cycling, for the most part, though there are some things I hold on to and can't seem to let go of. But I'm determined to let go now. Finally. I'm sick of being owned and controlled by some force I can't see or explain. By a destiny that I created in my head that at this point seems like a lie I told myself. 

A full moon is coming up next week so it's quite possible I'm already feeling it. I go through phases not unlike the moon. I usually get pretty emotinal, and engulfed by sexual energy, around the full moon. I'm a Cancer sun and moon so there you go. Ruled by the moon and my emotions. (And yes, I can be logical too, I'm entirely capable to thinking logically and being rational, we're talking about what is in my head and heart and things I don't say outloud). Also, my period should be starting soon. So in a nutshell, this last paragraph pretty much obliterates everthing else I wrote. But nobody reads this blog anyway, because I never write on it. 

I apologize if there are massive amounts of typo's in this post. I'm just putting my thoughts together real quick. I want to try to write something as much as possible and you (the one person who reads this) will have a paper trail as evidence of my revolving emotions. I'm telling you, you can mark them on a calender and determine my state of mind at any point in the month. That is something I have finally learned about myself over the last 2 years. Something my stalker has also probably caught on to. It's easy to control someone like me, isn't it?

Disclaimer:

I'm sure I don't need to explain how this is just a place where I write my current thoughts and feelings and you shouldn't judge my entire like by a blog post that I wrote when one thought crossed my mind and lead to a regurgitation of words and feelings that I had in a moment in time. I don't have to explain that, right? Because I think most people know not to judge a person's whole life and thought process by a hand full of paragraphs and that most people are much deeper and more complex than a black and white screen full of words. Because of my current situation and the judgement I've received from one or a handful of people, for just putting myself out there and doing what they can't do by being vulnerable, I doubt myself every single time I write anything now and I fucking hate that. I never cared what people thought of me or what I put out there before, I was just doing what felt right to me. But when your feelings, or your entire fucking heart and soul are discected and misinterpreted and judged, it makes you question whether you should do anything. I have to express what I 'm feeling in the moment though or it just eat me up inside. Once I get it out, I feel so much better and can move on. It's like a purge. I'm sure many writers, introverts, emotional/creative beings can relate. Thanks for reading and I hope you understand.

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