To Be Alone
I like to be alone. Just not for too long.
My thoughts are what keep me sane.
They're also what tear me apart.
My thoughts.
Like little people, running around all hyper and reckless.
They build me up one minute and rip me to shreds the next.
I try to quiet those little monsters with bribes and promises of a better tomorrow,
just like they were my children.
"Please, just rest now," I beg. "Let me rest."
But they don't stop.
Too much time alone can be a persons undoing.
Believe me, I know.
I used to quiet my thoughts with shots of vodka, slamming one after the next,
praying that as it burned down my throat, that fire would somehow cleanse me -
cleanse my soul, change me.
But the chattering little monsters only got louder,
telling me all sorts of crazy all nonsense.
I drank so much I started believing their lies
and their whole make believe world became more and more real.
To me.
Isolation and hopelessness go hand in hand.
But sometimes I think being alone is the cure to everything.
People can't hurt me if I stay away from them. They can't judge me if they don't really know me.
HA!!
Yeah! Right!
The lies I tell myself. Oh, the lies.
Sometimes I have to lie to myself just to get through another day.
Another month.
Another year.
"Fake it til you make it," they say.
I wish I had the energy to fake anything.
I can lie to myself all day long, but I can't lie to another person.
I always feel too exposed when I look into someones eyes.
I feel like they can see right through me.
So I avoid eye contact as much as possible.
Some might think that is insecurity on my part
and to some degree, it might be.
But really, it's just avoidance. It's self protection.
It's a way to keep people at a distance. I will forever remain unapproachable.
Who could ever understand me when I am so different from everyone else?
Who would ever try?
I'm too in my own head. I'm stuck up, they say.
It's so disappointing, even heart breaking, to truly open yourself up to someone,
the wrong someone,
only to get burned.
I'd rather take that burn of vodka than to ever allow myself to be burned by a human ever again.
Both options are off the table, however.
And so I like to be alone. But just not for too long.
Because being alone for too long gives me too much time to ponder on all the reasons
I'm alone and all the reasons I shouldn't be alone.
Too much time to dwell on my mistakes and my desires that will never be.
My chattering mind never rests, so I guess I'm never really alone.
But it's lonely all the same.
My thoughts are what keep me sane.
They're also what tear me apart.
My thoughts.
Like little people, running around all hyper and reckless.
They build me up one minute and rip me to shreds the next.
I try to quiet those little monsters with bribes and promises of a better tomorrow,
just like they were my children.
"Please, just rest now," I beg. "Let me rest."
But they don't stop.
Too much time alone can be a persons undoing.
Believe me, I know.
I used to quiet my thoughts with shots of vodka, slamming one after the next,
praying that as it burned down my throat, that fire would somehow cleanse me -
cleanse my soul, change me.
But the chattering little monsters only got louder,
telling me all sorts of crazy all nonsense.
I drank so much I started believing their lies
and their whole make believe world became more and more real.
To me.
Isolation and hopelessness go hand in hand.
But sometimes I think being alone is the cure to everything.
People can't hurt me if I stay away from them. They can't judge me if they don't really know me.
HA!!
Yeah! Right!
The lies I tell myself. Oh, the lies.
Sometimes I have to lie to myself just to get through another day.
Another month.
Another year.
"Fake it til you make it," they say.
I wish I had the energy to fake anything.
I can lie to myself all day long, but I can't lie to another person.
I always feel too exposed when I look into someones eyes.
I feel like they can see right through me.
So I avoid eye contact as much as possible.
Some might think that is insecurity on my part
and to some degree, it might be.
But really, it's just avoidance. It's self protection.
It's a way to keep people at a distance. I will forever remain unapproachable.
Who could ever understand me when I am so different from everyone else?
Who would ever try?
I'm too in my own head. I'm stuck up, they say.
It's so disappointing, even heart breaking, to truly open yourself up to someone,
the wrong someone,
only to get burned.
I'd rather take that burn of vodka than to ever allow myself to be burned by a human ever again.
Both options are off the table, however.
And so I like to be alone. But just not for too long.
Because being alone for too long gives me too much time to ponder on all the reasons
I'm alone and all the reasons I shouldn't be alone.
Too much time to dwell on my mistakes and my desires that will never be.
My chattering mind never rests, so I guess I'm never really alone.
But it's lonely all the same.
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